At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Operation Purity has been aborted
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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