No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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