Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
