Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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