I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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