Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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