Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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