A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
