i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
