at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
