i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
