Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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