Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
