this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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