I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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