but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The best revenge is premature balding
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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