He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
