dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
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Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
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