I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
