Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
