just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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