The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
