You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
it's great music for shaving your balls
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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