I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
