So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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