Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
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Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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