I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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