I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
