Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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