they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
