Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
