God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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