the condom got lost in my hair
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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