I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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