She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
