90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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