I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
