if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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