Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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