why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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