You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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