You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
honey bunches of taint.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
