I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
