if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
