There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.