Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.