The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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