About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
