I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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