im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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