did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
