I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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