Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So squirting runs in the family.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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