I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
