i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
